Okay, it’s time to get real for a bit and share with you some true pieces of me.
I have been on a diet since I was 12 years old, maybe younger, but that is the first age I remember starting to come up with ideas for how to chart my food intake. In the last 37 years, I have spent almost every day on some type of diet, food plan, or at least trying to lose weight.
Reflecting on this the last few days, I realized that my whole life has been consumed at least in part by dieting, tracking, and inventing new ways to lose weight.
I had this magical thinking that the reason I couldn’t lose weight was because I had not found the right tracking tool that would help me stay on track. If I found a really cool way to keep track of my food, I would not stray off my path.
This will truly show my age, but around age 12, I used my typewriter to type out pages of food exchanges for me to put in a notebook and keep track of. Truthfully it was very creative. Sometimes I think of that girl that I was at 12 and feel deep sadness for her. I want to hug her and tell her it’s okay, she will be alright, and it will get better.
She was really not that overweight, however society and classmates let her know she was not the right size. She spent hours trying to find ways to lose weight and tried everything. Exchange diets, severely restricted calorie diets, and then later moved on to weight watchers, and of course gastric bypass at age 45. While the bypass is still incredibly successful and this girl has no regrets, my mind goes back to my 12-year-old self some days.
Sure, I’ve matured and I’m stronger, more confident, and I don’t give much credit to those that would want to shame me or judge me for my appearance. I have had a successful career and a wonderful family. I have problems just like everyone else and it’s not picture perfect, but I’m very grateful for the life I have. I’m also grateful that we move forward in working together to create acceptance for all people.
The gastric bypass I had in 2019 is really a tool and is not a cure. I woke up out of surgery from my gastric bypass, laying in my hospital bed, in pain, nauseated, and so thirsty, but yet I was thinking of Rice Krispie treats. Our minds are a powerful thing and that is where the true change must begin.
Cognitive and behavioral therapy has been key to some of my success and for many people is absolutely necessary. Many are successful on weight loss journeys, however for a lot of people, it takes that therapy to recognize the behaviors that need to change to truly be successful.
Please know that in no way am I cured from overeating or not having my mind do what’s it has always done. The difference between my 12-year-old self and now 49-year-old self is knowing myself much better. I no longer mentally abuse myself when I venture down a path that leads to a darker forest. I now have tools to get myself back on the path that I want to be on and that feels right to me.
One of the ways that helps me be successful is tracking all of my food. Once in a Weight Watcher’s class, the leader said track all BLT’s. (Bites, licks, and tastes). It all counts and it all matters. Some days this is harder for me than others to track every little thing. Believe me when I say that it’s tempting to count something less than what it is and believe me when I say I’ve done this.
My sister and I still laugh about this. I had permission to remain on Weight Watcher’s during my pregnancy in 2006. We went to Disneyland and that’s when they had the super, amazing, McDonald’s fry stand. Some of you know what I’m talking about and are possibly smiling at the memory yourself. Those literally were the best fries in the entire world, even better than the ones you got at McDonald’s. It was like some type of magic that made them so crisp, hot, and fresh. I ate so many of those on our trip. I actually ate quite well on that trip and never counted a single point that was accurate. I often wrote down 5 points for those fries. Those of you on WW know this was a big lie in my tracker.
So, step one in tracking is honesty because that’s the only way to see patterns and see where to give yourself lots of credit for positive changes and make adjustments where you need it.
I know it’s successful because last year I stopped tracking after over 400 days of tracking straight through and losing almost 100 pounds. I stopped tracking and then about 12 pounds found it’s way back on my body. I was shocked when I started tracking again how much I was eating. For those that have had weight loss surgery, we do have times where we cannot eat for various reasons, physically, so tracking also helps the opposite in knowing the days I might need to get more protein in to feel better.
That said, tracking is meant to help me stay on track, but also causes me extreme anxiety at times. I still fall in the pitfall once in a while of worrying and stressing over every little calorie. As I shared with you today, I have spent countless hours focused on tracking tools and that leads to some of my emotional trauma. Yet, I recognize the importance of it to staying successful. My current tracking is calories, with a focus on protein after my weight loss surgery.
I still fall asleep every night to counting my calories in my head again and reviewing my eating day. It sometimes consumes me and I have to go back to the tools I learned in my therapy sessions about how to move past this. For me, I need to track to know what I’m eating and keep the weight steady or losing slowly and at the same time, need to control my thoughts so it does not consume me.
Stress, worrying, guilt, mentally abusing yourself will not help. I encourage you all who have struggled with some of these things to talk to your healthcare professional. Once in a while I have to take a break from tracking for a day or two just to give myself a deep breath.
I am a food addict and it’s something I live with even after weight loss surgery. I agree recovery is a beautiful thing and I’m so grateful I chose that path. However, it does not mean it’s easy for me.
My keys to success right now are tracking, weighing a few times a week, and when my mind wants to take over and try to get me down, I fight it hard.
I choose to take a walk, work on a project, write, or spend time with family, anything to pull myself out of that place that causes me so much discomfort and pain. I also have some wonderful supports in my life and of those supports, some wonderful, strong women in my family. We have great times, laughing and joking, but also can share our true hurts, fears, stress, and truly support one another. They are amazing women!
I encourage you to find really good support systems and people. I also belong to a few Facebook support groups. My support groups are amazing and full of positive people. If you are finding the support groups you belong to, less than positive, work towards finding more positive groups.
Here is a link to an article from Harvard Health about why tracking leads to success and has some great tips and tricks for tracking. One of these I recognize after I read this is tracking in the moment. Sometimes I wait until the end of the day and by that time my brain is long gone and I’m not being accurate.
Why keep a food diary? – Harvard Health
Thanks for taking time to read this article. I wish you all the best on your own personal journeys.
Until next time,
Mandy